you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So much rum. So many feels.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
