I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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