Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
