Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
