I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
