I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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