I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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