remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Small penises have feelings too.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
