I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
His hands were made for my vagina.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize