I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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