my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
