I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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