it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
