i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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