I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
