cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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