I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
