Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
