If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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