Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
