I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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