Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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