those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
