Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
