Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
