I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm at about main and main street
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
