I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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