Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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