My hand turned me down
Even the bartender felt bad for me
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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