Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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