I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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