I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize