Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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