You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
