eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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