I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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