i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
