even my farts smell like vagina
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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