Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize