I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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