I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
