Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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