3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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