tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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