I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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