Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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