Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
