And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
