you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Randomize
