she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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