So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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