Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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