don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
