Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
