im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
