Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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