everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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