I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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