I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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