Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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