saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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