She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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