I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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