Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize