Grow some girl-balls and come out already
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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