If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
someone owes me an orgasm
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
