i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
