If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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