Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
